Over the past many years I have been tracking, practically and mythically, my own attraction and repulsion towards money.
Below I write an edited transcript from a conversation between Pieter VW, the host of The Emergent Story Podcast, and I recently had.
See if you can find yourself, as a cultural creative entrepreneur who wants to be a force of justice and good, in my exposure of myself. Enjoy.
Fabio: “As I have been exploring my inner world in relation to making money, and dancing with my inner archetypes of capitalist entrepreneur on one side, and tribal indigenous primitivist on the other, I sense a deep guilt I feel inside, because I have a core desire to BE GOOD. I don’t want to hurt people, I want to be good and do good.
With Money, or with Racism, for example, I Want to be good a good ally, the good white guy that gets it.
There is a dichotomy inside of me of wanting to make money, and at the same time believing that making money is bad”
“It’s no mistake that I have struggled with embodying with my masculine power, spiritually, physically and emotionally.
For me money, and being “bad”, powerful, sexual,…being like Al Pacino in Godfather II…money has been that for me, but when I tap into the part of me that says:
“Money is bad, you killed all of these people, you raped the land, you’re bad, you hurt Mommy. Mommy and all of the indigenous people that live on the land. That voice feels really young.
Instead of this powerful, boss, owning,…
My wound with money is un-initiated.
Pieter: ” Wow I think you are really on to something. This blaming of money, this innocent..GRIEF and lashing out at this dominating force…it sounds so ancient, so ancestral,..if I think of any people, for example like ancient Italians living on the land, and the this Syndrome comes, and because of money, now daddy had to go away and work in the mines, and mom had to go away and work in houses…what money did…so my soul tells me that the Land and my Soul is where my focus needs to be…I’ll never go in that direction of money.
How powerful it would be for the boy growing up on the edges of the dominating settling culture to infiltrate and master money to be able to protect the SOUL ground and not be a victim.
To the extent a person is identified with their victim is the extent in which they will not be able to be proactive or create in their life.”
Fabio: “The crying inner boy, un-initiated around money, power, sexuality, ..”
Pieter: ” At the end of the day, the mainstream world in which we live in is a world in which if you don’t trade in money and buy things, you could die. So I understand where the alliance with money is directly connected with our modern fear of death.
Fabio: “I recently watched the movie The Big Short and I find it very connected to all that we’ve been discussing. Alliance to capitalism is coming from a fear of death, which is connected to the basic ontology and cosmology of a people, and so we go back to the Bible story, to modern-white people having lost their original instruction and having lost connection to their ancestry.
That’s the root, it’s ancestral.
Man-boys playing with wall street money.”
Pieter: ” You are the man-boy who is just as much as fault as the wall-street-bros who is addicted to power, you are addicted to this fantasy of being good and so you won’t grow up and deal with money, because you don’t want to be sullied by the parts of it, just like the wall-street bros are sullied and don’t want to deal with the awareness of their ecological, emotional and spiritual impact.
You are both un-initiated.
Where is the adult that says I work with money knowing that is dirty, knowing that it has hurt people. Both sides are the same side of the uninitiated coin.
You are of no use to the world if you won’t die and you won’t become wiling to work with the toxicity of the world, and be someone who is killed by the radiation of the substance, and says I am not better, I am not going to point out other people that are evil, because they have missed something, when I all along am afraid of working with one piece, my shadow.”
Fabio: “Nailed it. My guess this is the Indo-European, bi-polar swing between anger and victimhood. On one side you have the arrogance of the wall-street bros with money, and the other my own victimhood and grief around money.
The un-initiated behavior around money is of no use to the world, it is still un-initiated man-boy behavior.
The Man, the adult says, wow we have to kill the Spring every year, we have to kill the dragon, the Earth has to die every year, so that we can live, and there is no escape out of that killing, and fucking, and toxicity.
The man is willing to work with the toxicity of the world, and get his hands dirty. He is generative, he gives and creates, he serves.
The boy is not. The boy either hides or rapes, he takes without permission out of his own wounded hunger, there is no responsibility or consequence of impact.”
Pieter: “We are in the river of life where you have to learn to swim, and eat, and kill, and trade, and we can’t get out of it. and it is our task.
“To the degree in which people are going down that river WITHOUT embodying in ritual the full awareness, the shadow and the shit of their own impact on the world, that is the degree in which the empire is going to do it for them, and it will be worse. We might as well start out knowing that we are going to have a terrible impact on the world and the create initiatory culture around that.”
I hope you enjoyed reading that. Or, if you skipped to the end of the article, the tag line is this:
My money victimism, or arrogance, is part of my Shadow.
They are consequence of a non-initiated behavior of a man-boy.
The adult feels the pain of the world, knows Her sacredness, and is willing to work with the pain and toxicity of that which kills and hurts, and learns to become a king (i.e. somebody in a position of power and leadership whose primary goal is to serve “his” people ad lands) by mastering the language of modern money.